Dear Dad,
My plans for the Great American Pee-In was derailed (most temporarily, I assure you) by that Black Bitch Lucy!
I spent ALL NIGHT drawin’ posters with Mom’s neon magic markers ‘n’ composin’ chants (“Heck, no, we won’t go!” ‘n’ “Love dogs, not hogs!” ‘n’ “Hey, hey, EPA, this is where we’ll pee today” — I especially like that one) ‘n’ I started hasslin’ Mom at the break o’ dawn to dig out my rainbow collar ‘n’ take me to the dog park. I had petitions for all the guys to sign, ‘n’ buntin’ for the ladies to drape over their shoulders, ‘n’ a bullhorn so’s I could shout directions ‘n’ keep everyone in line. I was plannin’ a most awesome demonstration, ‘n’ I was itchin’ to get to the dog park early. (Well, I mighta been itchin’ ‘cuz Mom’s almost outta crunchy wieners, too, but that only made my protest that much more important.)
Mom, who has been most lethargic lately, was very, VERY slow to wake up ‘n’ I think she musta hit the snooze alarm a coupla gazillion times, but FINALLY she rolled outta bed, ‘n’ I was just jumpin’ outta my skin, waitin’ for her to perform her many mornin’ rituals so’s we could load up all my pee-in accoutrements in Mr. Rav.
After an eternity ‘n’ way too many detours to the bathroom, she blinged me up, ‘n’ I dashed into Mr. Rav ‘n’ assumed the shotgun position — front paws firmly planted on the console ‘n’ snout plastered to the windshield so she couldn’t see nothin’, ‘n’ we was off!
Oh, Pops, my blood was boilin’ as we cruised down Memorial Parkway, ‘n’ I barked in lusty anticipation. THIS was the day us dogs was gonna make a major political statement.
‘N’ I was very, VERY excited to see a goodly number of cars parked in the lot as we turned into the dog park (where the sign is still restin’ in sad smithereens). We was gonna have a demonstration of epic canine proportions!
“Boys!” I shouted as I burst through the gate. “Lock ‘n’ load! There’s mischief afoot, ‘n’ we gotta take care of it!”
Well, all the regulars dashed over, ‘n’ since they was just as incensed as me over the nefarious assault against our dog park sign, they was all eagerly lappin’ up gallons o’ water so they’d be righteously fortified for a most astoundin’ pee-in. My heart just swelled with pride watchin’ ’em prepare, ‘cuz, you know, odds were, some of ’em wouldn’t be comin’ home. There’s DOG wardens out there at City Hall, ‘n’ it was a sure bet, some of us was gonna be busted.
But just as I was linin’ the guys up two-by-two to start our march, who charged us but THAT BLACK BITCH LUCY!!!!!!
‘N’ she was frothin’ at the mouth, Pops, let me tell you.
She darned near took a mouthful outta my left hip, ‘n’ then — THEN — she tried to chew a hunk outta Mom’s unprotected thighs. The boys is very brave, Pops, but the sight of her venomous attack was more’n’ even the regulars could take, ‘n’ they all scattered to the four corners of the park whilst Mom batted at that crazy Lucy with a loaded poop bag.
Well, Pops, I had no choice, did I? Mom was under attack, ‘n’ my prime directive while you’re gone is to protect Mom. So even though I knew it spelled the end of my hopes to avenge Akron’s dogdem, I gallantly put my peein’ on hold, ‘n’ I charged in to protect Mom’s pasty white nether regions.
Lucy’s human half-heartedly tried to call her off.
Mom just glared at him. “This is the second time your dog has attacked me ‘n’ my dog,” she said bitterly.
“Well, you must be carryin’ food in your pockets,” he said defensively.
“I don’t think so,” Mom said, ‘n’ she turned out her pockets to prove they was empty.
“Then you must be doin’ somethin’ to scare her,” he huffed.
Oh, please, I thought.
‘N’ even as I thought it, the maniac Lucy made another run for Mom’s legs.
I couldn’t take it, Pops. There was just no call for that bitch to try’n sink her fangs into Mom’s hind quarters.
So I sadly — ‘n’ temporarily — gave up my career as a political protester, ‘n’ I bared my teeth, ‘n’ I growled, ‘n’ I snapped at that bitch until she got it through her stupid head that NO ONE GETS AWAY WITH SNARLIN’ AT MY MOM!!!!!!
She slunk away, but there was mad hatred in her eyes, ‘n’ I knew we wouldn’t be safe until we was back in Mr. Rav.
So even though Mom wanted to give that human holy heck for endangerin’ the meek ‘n’ mild-mannered folks of the dog park, I wedged myself in between her ‘n’ sure destruction, ‘n’ I herded her outta the park before that mutt could draw blood.
“Oh, Louie,” Mom said as we meandered back to Mr. Rav, “I’m so sorry! I ruined your pee-in!”
“You did no such thing, Mom,” I said gallantly. “It’s all that bitch’s fault. You did nothin’ wrong.”
“Louie,” Mom said, “you are a prince, ‘n’ I don’t know how I’d survive without you!” ‘N’ right there in the parkin’ lot, she give me a hug of magnificent proportions.
I was most flattered.
‘N’ it almost made up for the loss of my pee-in.
But, hey, tomorrow’s another day, ‘n’ maybe the black bitch won’t be lurkin’ in the park come mornin’, ‘n’ maybe I’ll still get a chance to organize my march on City Hall.
I regret the lost opportunity.
But family’s most important. Nothin’s more important ‘n protectin’ Mom.
Unless it’s protectin’ you.
Your faithful,
Louie.
My plans for the Great American Pee-In was derailed (most temporarily, I assure you) by that Black Bitch Lucy!
I spent ALL NIGHT drawin’ posters with Mom’s neon magic markers ‘n’ composin’ chants (“Heck, no, we won’t go!” ‘n’ “Love dogs, not hogs!” ‘n’ “Hey, hey, EPA, this is where we’ll pee today” — I especially like that one) ‘n’ I started hasslin’ Mom at the break o’ dawn to dig out my rainbow collar ‘n’ take me to the dog park. I had petitions for all the guys to sign, ‘n’ buntin’ for the ladies to drape over their shoulders, ‘n’ a bullhorn so’s I could shout directions ‘n’ keep everyone in line. I was plannin’ a most awesome demonstration, ‘n’ I was itchin’ to get to the dog park early. (Well, I mighta been itchin’ ‘cuz Mom’s almost outta crunchy wieners, too, but that only made my protest that much more important.)
Mom, who has been most lethargic lately, was very, VERY slow to wake up ‘n’ I think she musta hit the snooze alarm a coupla gazillion times, but FINALLY she rolled outta bed, ‘n’ I was just jumpin’ outta my skin, waitin’ for her to perform her many mornin’ rituals so’s we could load up all my pee-in accoutrements in Mr. Rav.
After an eternity ‘n’ way too many detours to the bathroom, she blinged me up, ‘n’ I dashed into Mr. Rav ‘n’ assumed the shotgun position — front paws firmly planted on the console ‘n’ snout plastered to the windshield so she couldn’t see nothin’, ‘n’ we was off!
Oh, Pops, my blood was boilin’ as we cruised down Memorial Parkway, ‘n’ I barked in lusty anticipation. THIS was the day us dogs was gonna make a major political statement.
‘N’ I was very, VERY excited to see a goodly number of cars parked in the lot as we turned into the dog park (where the sign is still restin’ in sad smithereens). We was gonna have a demonstration of epic canine proportions!
“Boys!” I shouted as I burst through the gate. “Lock ‘n’ load! There’s mischief afoot, ‘n’ we gotta take care of it!”
Well, all the regulars dashed over, ‘n’ since they was just as incensed as me over the nefarious assault against our dog park sign, they was all eagerly lappin’ up gallons o’ water so they’d be righteously fortified for a most astoundin’ pee-in. My heart just swelled with pride watchin’ ’em prepare, ‘cuz, you know, odds were, some of ’em wouldn’t be comin’ home. There’s DOG wardens out there at City Hall, ‘n’ it was a sure bet, some of us was gonna be busted.
But just as I was linin’ the guys up two-by-two to start our march, who charged us but THAT BLACK BITCH LUCY!!!!!!
‘N’ she was frothin’ at the mouth, Pops, let me tell you.
She darned near took a mouthful outta my left hip, ‘n’ then — THEN — she tried to chew a hunk outta Mom’s unprotected thighs. The boys is very brave, Pops, but the sight of her venomous attack was more’n’ even the regulars could take, ‘n’ they all scattered to the four corners of the park whilst Mom batted at that crazy Lucy with a loaded poop bag.
Well, Pops, I had no choice, did I? Mom was under attack, ‘n’ my prime directive while you’re gone is to protect Mom. So even though I knew it spelled the end of my hopes to avenge Akron’s dogdem, I gallantly put my peein’ on hold, ‘n’ I charged in to protect Mom’s pasty white nether regions.
Lucy’s human half-heartedly tried to call her off.
Mom just glared at him. “This is the second time your dog has attacked me ‘n’ my dog,” she said bitterly.
“Well, you must be carryin’ food in your pockets,” he said defensively.
“I don’t think so,” Mom said, ‘n’ she turned out her pockets to prove they was empty.
“Then you must be doin’ somethin’ to scare her,” he huffed.
Oh, please, I thought.
‘N’ even as I thought it, the maniac Lucy made another run for Mom’s legs.
I couldn’t take it, Pops. There was just no call for that bitch to try’n sink her fangs into Mom’s hind quarters.
So I sadly — ‘n’ temporarily — gave up my career as a political protester, ‘n’ I bared my teeth, ‘n’ I growled, ‘n’ I snapped at that bitch until she got it through her stupid head that NO ONE GETS AWAY WITH SNARLIN’ AT MY MOM!!!!!!
She slunk away, but there was mad hatred in her eyes, ‘n’ I knew we wouldn’t be safe until we was back in Mr. Rav.
So even though Mom wanted to give that human holy heck for endangerin’ the meek ‘n’ mild-mannered folks of the dog park, I wedged myself in between her ‘n’ sure destruction, ‘n’ I herded her outta the park before that mutt could draw blood.
“Oh, Louie,” Mom said as we meandered back to Mr. Rav, “I’m so sorry! I ruined your pee-in!”
“You did no such thing, Mom,” I said gallantly. “It’s all that bitch’s fault. You did nothin’ wrong.”
“Louie,” Mom said, “you are a prince, ‘n’ I don’t know how I’d survive without you!” ‘N’ right there in the parkin’ lot, she give me a hug of magnificent proportions.
I was most flattered.
‘N’ it almost made up for the loss of my pee-in.
But, hey, tomorrow’s another day, ‘n’ maybe the black bitch won’t be lurkin’ in the park come mornin’, ‘n’ maybe I’ll still get a chance to organize my march on City Hall.
I regret the lost opportunity.
But family’s most important. Nothin’s more important ‘n protectin’ Mom.
Unless it’s protectin’ you.
Your faithful,
Louie.
Pops replies:
Pops at work in the Stanislaus.
Oh, Louie, I am soooo proud of you. I realize your pee-in plans got dashed, but that was solely because of your prime directive. Yup, Mom would be lost without you.
Pops
P.S. Here’s a photo of Pops at work.
Letters From Louie 
Leave a comment