The Maddie Wars, Installment 3

That stupid bitch (I’m allowed to call her that, ‘cuz I’m a dog) just won’t get with the program!

Everyone KNOWS it’s that silly human time of the year called football season.

Everyone KNOWS that all male humans like Pops turn into lunatics with the first kickoff (whatever the heck THAT is).

Everyone KNOWS on Saturday afternoon, Pops adheres to his most serious of rituals, all having somethin’ to do with Buckeyes. (I don’t get it myself. Buckeyes are kinda ugly ‘n’ you certainly don’t wanna EAT one, so what good are they?)

Oh, no, Maddie!! Not Dad's Ohio State pillow!!!!!

Oh, no, Maddie!! Not Dad’s Ohio State pillow!!!!!

First, he gathers his multitudinous remotes ‘n’ lines ’em up on the coffee table, all within easy reach so’s he don’t strain his back or his wrists tryin’ to reverse the action — or jump ahead, however the mood strikes him. Then he collects his nutritious snacks, like tortilla chips ‘n’ Mom’s homemade salsa (waaaaaaaaaaay too much lime juice for my tastes) and pours himself a tall beverage (always ice water or V8, ‘cuz, after all, it’s MUCH too early for the cocktail hour). ‘N’ then he stretches out on the couch with his Ohio State worry pillow clutched to his chest, ‘n’ he proceeds to spend the afternoon starin’ at the TV ‘n’ occasionally groanin’ ‘n’ burying his head in his pillow whenever the Buckeyes do somethin’ really stupid.

Me ‘n’ Mom has got pretty used to this routine, ‘n’ though we sometimes sit beside him and worry right along with him, we never PRESUME to interfere with his most sacred of superstitions. It all looks pretty dumb to me, but it makes him happy (‘cept when he’s groanin’), so I try to cut him some slack.

But does Maddie cooperate?


Pops no sooner hops off the couch for a pit stop durin’ a convenient commercial break than Maddie ever so craftily slithers up onto the couch in his place, curls around his worry pillow ‘n’ begins kneadin’ it with her big goofy paws.


That’s one of Dad’s most precious possessions — second only to me ‘n’ Mom — ‘n’ she’s RAKIN’ IT WITH HER CLAWS!!!!!!!

‘N’ the stupid bitch wonders why Pops gets so ticked off at her.


Maddie retorts:

Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Mr. Know-It-All. It was a pillow. It felt good to squish it up between my claws. How was I supposed to know it was Dad’s favorite thing in the whole wide world? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Does anyone ever bother to TELL me stuff like this BEFORE I get in trouble? Nooooooooooooooooooo. My big brother just sits back ‘n’ lets me step into big piles of doo-doo, ‘n’ then he SNICKERS at me when Mom ‘n’ Pops give me a good scoldin’.

If our positions were reversed, I’d NEVER do that to a fellow dog. NEVER. I’d ALWAYS warn my brother if he was about to do somethin’ dumb. ALWAYS.

But, no, Louie, you have NO compassion whatsoever, ‘n’ (sniff) it really hurts.

Louie snipes back:

Whine, whine, whine. You are just a big baby.

Maddie snarls:


Louie growls:

Are SO!!!!!

(This installment has been suspended because Mom had to send Louie and Maddie to bed without their supper for boxing it out in the living room.)




Published in: on August 30, 2014 at 6:50 pm  Leave a Comment  

The Maddie Wars, Installment 2

Hee hee hee hee hee!

Ho ho ho ho ho!

Maddie burnt her snooouuuuuuuuuut! Maddie burnt her snooouuuuuuuuut!

Louie knows better than to stick his snout into a hot frying pan!

Louie knows better than to stick his snout into a hot frying pan!

Mom was cookin’ some yummy meat sauce this afternoon, but Maddie, the greedy glutton, couldn’t wait until dinner time. Mom turned her back for ONE MINUTE to chop up some foliage from the herb garden and Maddie just HAD to jump up on the stove and shove her nose into the frying pan.

Hee hee hee hee hee!

Mom yelped!

Maddie yelped! And I don’t feel the least bit sorry for her. Even dumb ol’ Louie knows to keep his snout outta hot frying pans!

Hee hee hee hee hee!

Bet Maddie’ll think twice before she tries that again!

Maddie retorts:

Vewy funny, Lou. Just fweakin’ hilawious.


Published in: on August 29, 2014 at 6:31 pm  Leave a Comment  

The Maddie Wars, Installment 1

Hi, guys.

Long time no see.

But there’s a reason for that. Pops has been home for a whole year now, ‘n’ there hasn’t been no need to write him letters. I can snuggle up to him on the big bed ‘n’ tell him everythin’ I’ve done all day, ‘n’ he knows just what I’m talkin’ about, ‘cuz he’s been right beside me ‘n’ Mom the whole time.

But now I gotta write again ‘cuz….

Ah, geez, I got a new sister.

‘N’ I hate her.

Don't let that come-hither look fool you. Maddie is EVIL!!!!

Don’t let that come-hither look fool you. Maddie is EVIL!!!!

The reasons are almost too many to count, even for a highly trained special government agent like me. BUT….

No. 1, she tries to hump Mom’s leg. What RESPECTABLE dog (besides me) tries to hump the leg of a fine mom like Mom???? ‘N’ she’s not even a boy dog. She’s a GIRL. What is her problem??????

No. 2, she doesn’t act her age. She’s seven years old, plus change, ‘n’ that makes her ALMOST as old as me. But does she act like a dignified, mature canine? I THINK NOT!!!!! She tears around MY back yard like a pup barely out of its teens, ‘n’ she prances so darned pretty when we’re out on our walks that she’s makin’ me look bad. Used to be, joggers would pass me ‘n’ Mom on the Towpath and stop in utter amazement. “Isn’t he just a HANDSOME dog?” they’d gush. ‘N’ I’d puff out my chest in pride ‘n’ Mom would beam in pleasurement, ‘cuz me ‘n’ her really were a stupendous couple. But now joggers stop ‘n’ gush, “What a beautiful hound!” ‘N’ they don’t look twice at me.

It’s not right.

No. 3, Maddie is a hog. (That’s her name — Mad Maddie, the Hound from Hell. Even Mom ‘n’ Pops call her that, ‘specially when she does stuff like bustin’ out our new custom-made back screen door. But I digress.) I like to savor my meals. I’m a gourmand of refined tastes, ‘n’ sometimes, I just wanna let my food marinate in my bowl while I contemplate the rich aromas and the perfect balance of crunch and grease. But now that Maddie’s around, I can’t do that no more, ‘cuz if I turn my back on my bowl, she snarfs up all my marinatin’ Kibbles, so I gotta wolf down my breakfast just as fast as she wolfs down hers, ‘n’ then I got gas the rest of the mornin’. It’s just not right, I tell you. Not right at all!!!!!

I called my union rep, Bruno, as soon as Maddie moved in, ‘n’ he told me he’d research my contract, ‘cuz he thought there just might be an exclusivity clause, whatever the heck that is. But he hasn’t filed any kind of grievance against Mom ‘n’ Pops yet, ‘n’ now I’m startin’ to wonder if maybe he’s got a conflict of innerest. The last time he come over to talk to me about it, he let Maddie sniff his butt waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long for a simple hello.  I think something nefarious may be goin’ on.

There’s many, many, MANY more reasons I hate Maddie, but those are the top three, ‘n’ you gotta agree, I’m perfectly justified in my feelin’s. Just don’t be swayed by any lies you might hear from the other side. Maddie is evil, evil, evil, ‘n’ she will never ever be my best bud.



Published in: on August 28, 2014 at 10:07 pm  Leave a Comment