The Maddie Wars, Installment 1

Hi, guys.

Long time no see.

But there’s a reason for that. Pops has been home for a whole year now, ‘n’ there hasn’t been no need to write him letters. I can snuggle up to him on the big bed ‘n’ tell him everythin’ I’ve done all day, ‘n’ he knows just what I’m talkin’ about, ‘cuz he’s been right beside me ‘n’ Mom the whole time.

But now I gotta write again ‘cuz….

Ah, geez, I got a new sister.

‘N’ I hate her.

Don't let that come-hither look fool you. Maddie is EVIL!!!!

Don’t let that come-hither look fool you. Maddie is EVIL!!!!

The reasons are almost too many to count, even for a highly trained special government agent like me. BUT….

No. 1, she tries to hump Mom’s leg. What RESPECTABLE dog (besides me) tries to hump the leg of a fine mom like Mom???? ‘N’ she’s not even a boy dog. She’s a GIRL. What is her problem??????

No. 2, she doesn’t act her age. She’s seven years old, plus change, ‘n’ that makes her ALMOST as old as me. But does she act like a dignified, mature canine? I THINK NOT!!!!! She tears around MY back yard like a pup barely out of its teens, ‘n’ she prances so darned pretty when we’re out on our walks that she’s makin’ me look bad. Used to be, joggers would pass me ‘n’ Mom on the Towpath and stop in utter amazement. “Isn’t he just a HANDSOME dog?” they’d gush. ‘N’ I’d puff out my chest in pride ‘n’ Mom would beam in pleasurement, ‘cuz me ‘n’ her really were a stupendous couple. But now joggers stop ‘n’ gush, “What a beautiful hound!” ‘N’ they don’t look twice at me.

It’s not right.

No. 3, Maddie is a hog. (That’s her name — Mad Maddie, the Hound from Hell. Even Mom ‘n’ Pops call her that, ‘specially when she does stuff like bustin’ out our new custom-made back screen door. But I digress.) I like to savor my meals. I’m a gourmand of refined tastes, ‘n’ sometimes, I just wanna let my food marinate in my bowl while I contemplate the rich aromas and the perfect balance of crunch and grease. But now that Maddie’s around, I can’t do that no more, ‘cuz if I turn my back on my bowl, she snarfs up all my marinatin’ Kibbles, so I gotta wolf down my breakfast just as fast as she wolfs down hers, ‘n’ then I got gas the rest of the mornin’. It’s just not right, I tell you. Not right at all!!!!!

I called my union rep, Bruno, as soon as Maddie moved in, ‘n’ he told me he’d research my contract, ‘cuz he thought there just might be an exclusivity clause, whatever the heck that is. But he hasn’t filed any kind of grievance against Mom ‘n’ Pops yet, ‘n’ now I’m startin’ to wonder if maybe he’s got a conflict of innerest. The last time he come over to talk to me about it, he let Maddie sniff his butt waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long for a simple hello.  I think something nefarious may be goin’ on.

There’s many, many, MANY more reasons I hate Maddie, but those are the top three, ‘n’ you gotta agree, I’m perfectly justified in my feelin’s. Just don’t be swayed by any lies you might hear from the other side. Maddie is evil, evil, evil, ‘n’ she will never ever be my best bud.



Published in: on August 28, 2014 at 10:07 pm  Leave a Comment  

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