The Maddie Wars, Installment 3

That stupid bitch (I’m allowed to call her that, ‘cuz I’m a dog) just won’t get with the program!

Everyone KNOWS it’s that silly human time of the year called football season.

Everyone KNOWS that all male humans like Pops turn into lunatics with the first kickoff (whatever the heck THAT is).

Everyone KNOWS on Saturday afternoon, Pops adheres to his most serious of rituals, all having somethin’ to do with Buckeyes. (I don’t get it myself. Buckeyes are kinda ugly ‘n’ you certainly don’t wanna EAT one, so what good are they?)

Oh, no, Maddie!! Not Dad's Ohio State pillow!!!!!

Oh, no, Maddie!! Not Dad’s Ohio State pillow!!!!!

First, he gathers his multitudinous remotes ‘n’ lines ’em up on the coffee table, all within easy reach so’s he don’t strain his back or his wrists tryin’ to reverse the action — or jump ahead, however the mood strikes him. Then he collects his nutritious snacks, like tortilla chips ‘n’ Mom’s homemade salsa (waaaaaaaaaaay too much lime juice for my tastes) and pours himself a tall beverage (always ice water or V8, ‘cuz, after all, it’s MUCH too early for the cocktail hour). ‘N’ then he stretches out on the couch with his Ohio State worry pillow clutched to his chest, ‘n’ he proceeds to spend the afternoon starin’ at the TV ‘n’ occasionally groanin’ ‘n’ burying his head in his pillow whenever the Buckeyes do somethin’ really stupid.

Me ‘n’ Mom has got pretty used to this routine, ‘n’ though we sometimes sit beside him and worry right along with him, we never PRESUME to interfere with his most sacred of superstitions. It all looks pretty dumb to me, but it makes him happy (‘cept when he’s groanin’), so I try to cut him some slack.

But does Maddie cooperate?


Pops no sooner hops off the couch for a pit stop durin’ a convenient commercial break than Maddie ever so craftily slithers up onto the couch in his place, curls around his worry pillow ‘n’ begins kneadin’ it with her big goofy paws.


That’s one of Dad’s most precious possessions — second only to me ‘n’ Mom — ‘n’ she’s RAKIN’ IT WITH HER CLAWS!!!!!!!

‘N’ the stupid bitch wonders why Pops gets so ticked off at her.


Maddie retorts:

Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Mr. Know-It-All. It was a pillow. It felt good to squish it up between my claws. How was I supposed to know it was Dad’s favorite thing in the whole wide world? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Does anyone ever bother to TELL me stuff like this BEFORE I get in trouble? Nooooooooooooooooooo. My big brother just sits back ‘n’ lets me step into big piles of doo-doo, ‘n’ then he SNICKERS at me when Mom ‘n’ Pops give me a good scoldin’.

If our positions were reversed, I’d NEVER do that to a fellow dog. NEVER. I’d ALWAYS warn my brother if he was about to do somethin’ dumb. ALWAYS.

But, no, Louie, you have NO compassion whatsoever, ‘n’ (sniff) it really hurts.

Louie snipes back:

Whine, whine, whine. You are just a big baby.

Maddie snarls:


Louie growls:

Are SO!!!!!

(This installment has been suspended because Mom had to send Louie and Maddie to bed without their supper for boxing it out in the living room.)




Published in: on August 30, 2014 at 6:50 pm  Leave a Comment  

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