The Maddie Wars, Installment 4

Tense times on the home front, folks. We’re locked down and on red alert —

(“Super DUPER red alert, Lou.”

“Stop bein’ hysterical, Mad. It isn’t that critical.”

“Who’s the trained huntin’ hound, Lou. You or me, huh? Huh? Huh? I’m tellin’ ya, it’s super DUPER!!!!!”

“Oh, for God’s sake, if I call it super DUPER, will you SHUT UP and let me get on with the story?”

“Only if you tell it right.”


We’re locked down and on super DUPER red alert (are you happy now, Mad?) ‘cuz last night, we was invaded — right in our very own home!!!!

We was all snuggled up ‘n’ asleep — Mom ‘n’ Pops in the big bed, me stretched out on my luxurious quilt ‘n’ pillow at the foot of the bed, ‘n’ Maddie snorin’ (“Was not!” “Were, too!”) in the corner with her ratty blankets where she belongs, when suddenly I heard —

(“I heard it first, Lou. Tell it right!”

“I heard it first, Miss Smarty Pants. YOU just barked first.”

“Only ‘cuz your reflexes are so bad, old man.”)


When suddenly there was the stealthy scurryin’ of alien creatures on the roof right above our heads.

Maddie and Louie patrol the perimeter.

Maddie and Louie patrol the perimeter.

Well, me ‘n’ Maddie snapped right to attention — (“I’ll you that. You always do your duty.” “Why, thank you, L0u. I’m touched.” “Don’t be.”) — ‘n’ we tore up ‘n’ down the hall, bark BARK BARKIN’ our fool heads off for many, many strenuous minutes. We could hear alien footsteps skitterin’ all over our new roofin’ tiles, ‘n’ we was determined to scare them intruders off the premises.

Mom ‘n’ Pops were just as determined to sleep, ‘n’ instead of gettin’ up to investigate the vile proceedin’s overhead, they just growled at us to shut up ‘n’ go back to bed.

Which we did — eventually. But even so, me ‘n’ Mad took turns sleepin’ with one eye open, so we wouldn’t be caught unawares by hordes of orcs. (“Orcs, Lou? I thought they were raccoons.” “Raccoons….orcs….same difference. Now SHUT UP!!!!!”)

By mornin’, we were both feelin’ sleep deprived, but that didn’t deter us from our early hike with Mom ‘n’ Pops. Only as soon as we stepped into the garage, we knew somethin’ nefarious was afoot.

“That’s odd,” Mom said, starin’ at the poop bags ‘n’ other garbage scattered around Mr. Rav.

Pops immediately ordered us into the safety of Baby while he bravely investigated the garage by himself. (Pops is like that. Always thinkin’ of others instead of himself. You gotta love the guy.) He didn’t find any live intruders nor carcasses neither, but when he finally crawled in behind the wheel, he was shakin’ his head ‘n’ admitted to Mom, “We got varmints.”

“Oh, yuck,” Mom shuddered, just like a girl. “Get rid of them.”

So after our hike ‘n’ while me ‘n’ Maddie was digestin’ our breakfast, Pops painstakin’ly cleaned out the garage, shovelin’ up alien poop, using his new jet-powered leaf blower to blast out a summer’s worth of dirt ‘n’ cooties, ‘n’ generally returnin’ everythin’ to where it belonged. When he was finished, Mom praised him lavishly for the tidy state of the garage, but me ‘n’ Maddie just rolled our eyes at each other. Somethin’ still didn’t smell right.

‘N’ sure enough, late this evenin’, while Mom was engrossed with computer games ‘n’ Pops was clear in another county playin’ his weekly poker game, there came a commotion from the garage!

Me ‘n’ Maddie was on it in a flash, barkin’ ‘n’ growlin’ ‘n’ snarlin’ ‘n’ clawin’ at the back door. Mom stared at us in dumbfoundment, ‘cuz she never heard it comin’. One minute she was lost in her computer, ‘n’ the next she was in the center of a howlin’ whirlwind of canines. Our fangs were bared. Our hackles were raised. We were ready to rip them Rockies to pieces!!!!

Only Mom wouldn’t let us out into the garage.

“Over my dead body!” she swore as she flung herself against the back door. “You know what happened the last time you tangled with a Rocky, Lou. You bled all over my kitchen!”

“But I killed him,” I reminded her.

“Really?” Maddie said in astonishment. “How cool!”

“Aw, shucks,” I mumbled. “It was nothin’.”

“Killed him DEAD?????”

“Don’t egg him on, Maddie,” Mom warned. “There will be no repeat performance, not in my garage!!!!”

Well, Maddie howled in protest ‘n’ threw a hissy fit all over the house, but I know Mom, ‘n’ I could see her mind was made up, so I just slunk back to the bedroom to pout. I really wanted to get my jaws on one of those Rockies, just to show Maddie a thing or two, but Mom wouldn’t give me a chance. Sometimes she really gets in a fella’s way.

‘N’ to make it worse, when Maddie finally calmed down enough that Mom could slip out to the garage by herself, she found all Dad’s fine handiwork from the afternoon had been destroyed. Everythin’ — includin’ this evenin’s fresh poop bags — was tossed willy-nilly all over the garage again.

Pops is gonna be so mad when he gets home.

NO one’s gonna sleep tonight.

Published in: on September 3, 2014 at 11:18 pm  Leave a Comment  

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